I do not blame y’all if y’all haven’t read all the emails I’ve ever sent but I will be referring back to one I sent several months ago. You might remember I talked something about feeling like I’m living in a nightmare. My news for this week is that I think I am finally starting to wake up.

I went back to the eye doctor, and if you didn’t know or don’t remember what’s happening with that, I’ll fill you in. Basically about 5 months into my mission, I started seeing spots in my vision through my right eye. I waited for it to go away but it never did so I want to the eye doctor. He told me about some abnormalities they found in the back of my eye and told me it could be cancer. I had to just wait. I had to wait to see if things got worse or if anything changed. What was scary was that if it was cancer, they wouldn’t bother trying to remove the tumor they would just take out my entire eye. Needless to say, I was beyond scared. I described the feeling as living in a nightmare. Almost every moment of every day had a haze of anxiety clouding my mind.

I felt this way for about 9 months of my mission. The fear was heavy on me it was a lot. I felt totally alone. No one could do anything to help. Missionary work was difficult and even more stressful than before. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so much fear before in my life.

On December 10th, I went back to the doctor. They still didn’t tell me anything. The mystery continued until 2 months later when I went back for a follow-up appointment on February 10th. The day started with Zone conference and I felt overall peaceful which I know was a tender mercy from God. I was able to get a blessing from President Chapman before my appointment which helped a lot. I felt ready to accept whatever outcome God had planned for me.

I’m happy and incredibly relieved to say that the Doctor was able to assure me that it is NOT a tumor.

I cannot describe the joy and comfort that has flooded into my life ever since I walked out of that doctors office. I know for a fact that the prayers and fasting of so many loved ones made all the difference. I am extremely blessed and grateful beyond description. The nightmare is over and the weight has lifted. I feel like a new person.

The cool thing though is that I saw myself grow amid the trial. I’ve tried to think if how I would’ve handled this before my mission. If someone would’ve told me back then that I would go through this, I wouldn’t told them that I wouldn’t be able to cope with such a scary situation. I’d tell them that I probably wouldn’t be able to leave my bed or talk to anyone because I’d be so worried. The fact that I was still able to be a missionary and get up every day and smile and be effective is proof to me that there is a God and I have a Savior who suffered exactly what I was suffering.

I was told in the MTC that somedays on the mission you aren’t going to feel like you can do the work. On those days and in those moments, you will need to rely on the strength of the Savior to get through it. Quite literally relying on Him and Him alone.

In Alma 26, Ammon puts it perfectly…

11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

I learned this in a way that was tailored to me personally. Perhaps it was the only way I could learn it to the extent that God needed me to. I always talk about how trials are meant to make us greater than we were and God blessed me with the opportunity to experience this firsthand.

I know that not everyone’s trials have the same outcome mine did. I know that sometimes they last longer than we would like or maybe don’t have a happy ending. But the good news is that through the very worst, we can still grow. We can still become like Him.

I know God lives. I know He answers prayers. I know the Jesus Christ suffered so that we don’t have to. I know we can rely on His strength whenever we need it and it can carry us through the storms of life.

I will do more updating next week on what we’ve been up to but I thought I would focus this email on this experience I had this week. I hope y’all are doing so good. I’d love to hear from you, feel free to fill me in on life!

Scripture of the week: Alma 26:11-12

Get Busy Get Lost
-Sister Oldham